Notes From A Broad

Update Your Shizznit, Peeps!!

2011-03-21T22:21:00.004-04:00

Notes From A Broad has MOVED!!! My new website is officially open for business!!!

And the blog will be there now!!

www.jennwehrung.com

So, GO! Look around, the blog lives in the Read Me! section (obvs) but stay awhile! There's so much to see and when you comment on the blog- let me know what you think!

ESPECIALLY if you like it!

Thank you for all the reading and commenting and keep it coming!

Really, Victoria's Secret? Really?

2011-03-17T23:55:00.002-04:00

She should get that hip bone looked at! Her waist has a severe case of AirBrushitis!!!

Either that or those bracelets are really strong!

And yet, I still looked at her and thought, "I would get a belly chain if I had that belly."

Of course, than I thought, "No, I wouldn't" and had some ice cream.

In An Effort To NOT Do What I Am Supposed To Be Doing...

2011-03-16T21:07:00.004-04:00

...I found this GREAT tee shirt site!! I don't know which tee I love most (or which I am dying to recreate on a baby bib in felt!) But this one... oh, this one!! LOVE!

Get it???

Go laugh at Snorg Tees!

So Tired. Brain Dead.

2011-03-16T17:58:00.001-04:00

Party in Nannyland in just 4 days. May scream. May cry. May start drinking now. That is all.

I Have Been Editing, Kids!

2011-03-13T10:10:00.000-04:00

Maybe you were there and forgot. Maybe you didn't know me when I did my one-woman show. Maybe you have never been forced by a drunken me to watch it when I only had it on DVD!? In any case- a little Sunday morning clip of ME for YOU! Enjoy!

...and not just ME- this video also has Matthew Kelty, Elizabeth Gutterman & Ray Fritz as backup dancers and the AMAZING Michael Forman on piano!

Yesterday...

2011-03-09T10:10:00.003-05:00

...was Two Can Anne's birthday! And soon it will be B.Berry's FIRST!

It's like TCA gave US the present!!

(Nyquil has made me move slower... Or I would have managed to post this yesterday!

Slower but no less heartfelt)

Just read...

2011-03-08T09:54:00.001-05:00

So sad. So Beautiful. Such an example....

A night of compassion, community, in honor of Wes Leonard

Enough Already!!

2011-03-07T20:00:00.002-05:00

I was relatively irked when Dora grew up and clearly, explored her weight loss options. I was more than slightly annoyed when it was apparent that Strawberry Shortcake and her lady friends had spent the 90s in a fat camp as they are considerable thinner in their new incarnation. I was I am downright ticked off to hear that Cookie Monster is now saddled with the misnomer "cookie" as he eats veggies now!

But color me pissed, people! Introduced at the 2011 Toy Fair... A SLIMMER MR POTATO HEAD?!?!? Give me a cluckin' break. Are kids really taking their fitness clues from a cluckin' potato?! I say NAY!! NAY, I say!!! Ridonkulous. I want nothing to do with it.

Funny Stuff I Wish I Was Responsible For!

2011-03-06T14:52:00.002-05:00

24th Avenue, Astoria

Granted, I would have spelled compliments correctly but otherwise...

(insert vomit noise here)

2011-03-04T21:17:00.002-05:00

Yep. That says BREAST MILK ice cream.

theicecreamists

the link above will tell you all you need to know about why Lady Gaga is mad at the name.

Movin' and Shakin'!!

2011-03-03T21:22:00.002-05:00

So, I have been hard at work building a website! OK- I have been hard at work drawing and writing copy and picking pictures and suggesting ideas for a website while the fabulous, Mindy Reznik of DupreeBlue.com does the real building!

Soon, it will be ready for a real preview and when it is- well,

Notes From A Broad will be moving to it! That way all my goods are together!

You will be able to watch videos and look at pictures and read my thoughts- pretty much all the same shit that happens right here just in a new place!

So, get ready! Cuz

www.jennwehrung.com

is almost ready to meet you!

Speaking of Ninja Style!

2011-03-02T22:05:00.002-05:00

I realized today that I had LOTS of sneak attack pics on my phone! This is Coco. She is waiting for a squirrel. She sits there for the ENTIRE time we are at the park- unless her Mom lifts her to see in the hole. Not even kidding.

Panera Bathroom.

And given how many teens were there- it was either a bad day or a VERY bad day!

More than just a parking rule...

I like chocolate. I like wine. In one bottle? Yeah. No.

At The Rock gym in Astoria. Does NOT make me wanna tan.

OPP- The 2Grand11 Edition!

2011-03-02T10:23:00.004-05:00

OPP how can I explain it? I'll take you frame by frame it

As we have been buried under miles of snow for what feels like years, one could barely find anything to begrudge- though I will admit to several bouts of snow blower envy! But now that spring has sprung (fingers crossed) and the snow has melted, I find myself getting a little jeal-ly! And so, in our first O.P.P. post of 2grand11, I give you this...

It is kinda hard to see- as OPP pics are taken ninja style with my cell but while my terra cotta pots were coming apart under the weight of the snow, these super smart MacGyver type folks had a ghetto green house protecting their shit! There are already tomatoes in there, people!! They could have fried green tomatoes for breakfast! (sauce in a couple o' weeks) Flowers are blooming, green is the color of their plants AND my envy, WOW!!!

Take note, Diamond Don- project 876 when you come to play Fix It at the BFG Apartment!

Oh. My. Waffle.

2011-03-01T22:01:00.003-05:00

So, I met my new friend, Cas at a show we were both on. We both spoke of food and Italians and Italian food and family. And then we ate together. It was as if we shared a brain. Or a stomach...

Recently, Cas- who has a food blog- did an experiment involving random foods and a waffle iron. That's right, people- he made all sorts of food on a waffle iron!!! Find his recipes HERE! But he had me at the very first one he mentioned... Red Velvet Waffles. Sure, he made them with a simple cream cheese frosting and I went for buttercream. And sure, I have no business making myself a plate full of cake based waffles. But DAMN! These were friggin' good!!

RED VELVET WAFFLES

1 Box DUNCAN HINES Moist Delicious Red Velvet Cake mix

3 Large eggs

1/2 Cup butter, melted

3/4 Cup + 2 Tbsp. Water

Mix all the ingredients EXCEPT the 2 Tbsp. water until well blended. If you feel the batter is too stiff at this stage, add 1 Tbsp. of the additional water, and the second if necessary. The day’s humidity may have an effect.

BEAT the batter on high speed for 2 minutes until smooth and velvety.

HOT WAFFLE IRON set or timed to just under maximum wellness. Again, leave room for spread because this batter will rise quite a bit (leave a quarter inch from edges and don’t pile it too high before closing the lid.

When you open, let steam escape for a good minute before trying to remove it from the griddle. During the cool time here, cut the wedges at the seams for easier removal, and gently transfer to serving plate.

These MUST be frosted, and you MUST try the following:

SIMPLE CREAM CHEESE FROSTING:

1/4 Cup butter, at room temp

1/2 Cup (4 oz., or half a brick) regular (not whipped) cream cheese

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1/4 tsp. salt

3/4 Cup confectioners sugar

Whip the butter and cream cheese together until smooth, then add the salt and vanilla, scrape down the sides of the bowl, and beat on high for about a minute until completely smooth.

Add the confectioners sugar, 1/4 cup at a time, fully incorporating each addition. Once all sugar is in, whip the frosting on high for a minute until fluffy.

New Cast of Dancing With The "Stars" Announced!

2011-03-01T10:08:00.002-05:00

Among them:

Psycho Mike Catherwood (DJ Who?)

Chelsea Kane (who?)

Romeo Miller (who?)

Petra Nemcova (was she a model?)

Kendra Wilkinson (was she a whore?)

Wendy Williams (my Dad thinks she's a man)

The token sports "stars"- Hines Ward & Chris Jericho & Sugar Ray Leonard

but most notably...

Kirstie Alley and Ralph Macchio!!!

Oh, my.

I Like Old Pictures.

2011-02-27T20:11:00.002-05:00

This is Grandma Celice. In addition to liking her name an awful lot- I think she & I would have gotten along! The blouse? The gloves? Bracelet AND clutch? Pure Sass!

Is it just me or does Uncle Ben look like he will be killing everyone in this picture later?

As I know the spawn of these people- I know he didn't take out all of them!!

Old pictures are fun!

Funny Story...

2011-02-25T10:48:00.005-05:00

In order to tell this story, I have to come clean. I drive too fast. I know I do. I always have. I consider myself a very safe driver but I do drive fast. It has been easily 10 years since I have gotten a speeding ticket (except for that one I got picking up Ripley but it was in West Virginia so doesn't count) and for a NYC girl- I drive a lot. Back and forth to the Hamptons, in and out of Manhattan, hither and yon to the 'rents, oh- and that cross country trip to Oregon.

But last summer, I got a ticket. I was rushing from camp to the vet in East Hampton- whatevs. I paid it. I plead guilty (as I was), I forgot about it. Until December. When I got a ticket coming home from the 'rents. The 65 had become a 55, I didn't notice, I paid it. The end.

OK- I got two. I know. Bad. I get it. Slow down. I know. This is not a story about that. This is a story about what happened next.

Two weeks or so ago, I got a letter from the DMV explaining that my license was to be suspended for 31 days starting March 4th. I was to surrender my license at the DMV in Flushing before that date. But then the letter got confusing- for $85, I could have a restricted license. For $50, I could get the suspension lifted. As I had already paid a couple hundred beans in ticket fees, I didn't enjoy the idea of paying more. And also- why did I have to surrender my license? Clearly, the DMV has a computer system. I need it to get into places where I go to be funny. PLUS- I had never heard of any of this happening to anyone! So, I made the trek to the DMV in Flushing (a 20 minute DRIVE) (unless you're me-I can do it in 15) (just kidding.)

Clearly, there was a sale going on. And at the risk of sounding like Diamond Don- it had been posted in every Juan, Chow Fat and Shanequa's hot spots! I was outnumbered, out scented (P.U.) and annoyed before I even joined the FOUR HOUR line!! So, I went upstairs to the Traffic Division. I did, after all, have a traffic matter at hand. I still waited an hour. Standing. Listening to more Derron, Jose and Mohammed's whine and bitch and moan. Torture. And then I got to the window.

DMV folk are not notoriously friendly and my teller/ barista/ bitch was no different. I was chipper and friendly (despite the circumstances) not fighting my punishment just asking for clarification. She was all, "What? Your license is suspended. Buy an ID if you need one." Then she dropped the bomb. "Besides, since you didn't pay your assessment, your license has been suspended since January anyway. You need to go downstairs for that." Sphincter says what? When I asked how would I know about this assessment that I had never heard of, she showed me her computer screen and said, "In a letter. It's right here if you think I am lying." My restraint at this point should be noted cause all I wanted to do was punch her. Instead, I politely remarked that I had not received such a letter so could not have known about this assessment. She informed me that "in this state when you get 6 points, you have to pay to drive. Next." For the record, I hate her. Remember the line downstairs was FOUR HOURS LONG.

I was done. Fork. Stuck. Done. So, I went home and blew my diet with a cupcake and vowed to handle it the next day. Little did I know, the sale at the DMV would be at the Harlem branch, too!

I arrived at that branch (via public transport, for the record) at 11AM. I didn't get seen until 2:15. They made me throw away my coffee. I read Dean Koontz. I listened to Adele. I played solitaire. I texted my boss. I listened to people argue in more languages than I knew existed- with each other, with someone on the phone, with the DMV staff. "I've been here two hours!" "Baby, I said I was sorry. I am at the DMV." "If you just told me what to do I could do it, bitch." Good times. By the time my number (D845, in case you are wondering) arrived and I could approach window 11, I was almost delirious. It is only by the grace of the Baby Jesus that my teller was lovely. At one point she asked me to get out of her window cause she couldn't laugh anymore. For the record, I love her.

Here's the breakdown, people. Because I didn't pay installment numero uno of the $300 assessment I didn't know about, I got further penalized. Then I got another ticket. So, I made it worse. It didn't matter that I paid my tickets like a good girl, didn't fight them with some crazy ass story, was polite to the officers. In short, it didn't matter that I accepted my consequences with grace- I got to accept them with money! I am not sure how me paying $300 should be called a Driving Assessment. It should be called a Bank Account Assessment. And then the fact that they added another $350 should be called Assault with a Deadly Fee. I haven't felt so violated since I walked off a Disney ride (that I paid $50 to get into the park and ride) and into a Gift Shop that I wasn't escaping without a $75 magnet!!!

It was when I asked if she was getting a cut that she told me to get out of her window. Then she dropped the bomb. "You can keep your license if you need it for ID and now that you paid the $750, it is valid for driving until March 4th but before the 31 days is up- you need to come back and pay $50 to have the suspension lifted."

WHAT?!?!?! How is this state broke? Seriously. I am stunned. I burst out laughing- a sound all 450 people in the DMV seldom heard, I am sure. My new BFF was tickled that I found it all so funny. I said, "it's either laugh or punch you in the face." So, I have to pay a fee to end the punishment I paid a fee to enjoy after paying fees in the first place!!!

I can't wait to hear what my shrink has to say about this next week, Since I missed my appointment with her to experience this afternoon delight. My appointment was at 2:30 and at 2:00 they were on D842, I wasn't going. I was singing And I Am Telling You and mentally calculating the fee for canceling at the last minute.

Moral of the story? a) don't speed/get caught speeding and 2) FIGHT IT! Everytime. Kick, scream, learn another language and scream in that, too.

Have you ever heard a funnier story? I mean, really. I should charge you a fee just for reading it!

Really?!?!?

2011-02-23T22:08:00.001-05:00

Vivienne Westwood Line

London Fashion Week

2011

She CHOSE this!!

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes!

2011-02-21T11:03:00.000-05:00

What a difference a weekend makes...

I like my cotton candy like I like most things....

2011-02-20T22:28:00.001-05:00

...warm, dry & non-sticky!!!

Kaufman Astoria Theater Lobby

"I told you to take the Wizard's staff!!"

2011-02-20T18:45:00.004-05:00

OK- I know, it's too early to even jam him into the soil but the daffodils are peaking and I couldn't resist! This is my new gnome, Gandalf!

"You shall not pass!"

"Fly, You Fools!"

Playing the part of The Balrog- Ripley, of course!

Some Friday Fun For YOU!

2011-02-18T15:30:00.003-05:00

Ripley & I enjoying apples and peanut butter on my NEW plates!!

B.Berry, Bills Fan!

Bitch. Step Off My Pheasant.

Ripley, Attack Mode* in the Hamptons!

*this is her new "lazy attack mode" in which she sits and then goes into her low creepy stalker pose...

Real D 3D glasses Are Fun!!

2011-02-13T00:54:00.003-05:00

Gnomeo & Juliet: A Wee Review!

2011-02-12T10:28:00.004-05:00

So, yesterday was the big day! 2:25, Real D 3D, popcorn & cherry coke and

GNOMEO & JULIET!!!

What a sweet, charming little movie! Just adorable. The girls in front of me giggled at the gnomes almost smooching, didn't get the Shakespeare references, and gasped at the dramatic ending! They were very cute. Tybalt was still a dirty, sexy, bad boy gnome despite his flowered belly. Nannette was the dippiest frog and Paris her perfectly dippy match. Featherstone was the lawn flamingo I have always wanted! And 'Shroom reminded me why I love mushrooms but don't eat them! Tunes by Elton lent a lovely touch- as did the Dolly Gnome! And the steamy romance of Gnomeo & Juliet? Gnome-tastic!!

My 2 cents? It needed more! MORE! It is a very British movie and it needs to be. I can't imagine a ShakeGnomian Tale not being British. And as we all know, I got a thing for the Brits- so it worked for me. The problem is it needed an American edit. A BAM! A kick it up a notch! A little extra frosting AND sprinkles! I wish they had asked- I would have helped! :) And also- TOYS!!! Where are the toys?!

Some Friday Sweetness for You!

2011-02-11T10:20:00.002-05:00

Tootie & Don Don

January '11

And The GOLD for My Favorite Super Bowl Commercial Goes To....

2011-02-08T21:12:00.000-05:00

the Silver Medal?

2011-02-08T21:10:00.000-05:00

Cram It In The BOOOOOT!

and the Bronze goes to....

2011-02-08T21:08:00.000-05:00

(though I am not sure why Kramer got the Bills jersey!)

Newest, Funnest Etsy Find!

2011-02-08T10:10:00.002-05:00

How great is this art?! So stylistically fab!!

This one is called Lumberjack Breakfast

And this one is called Count Abernathy Was An Avid Bird Watcher

All painted by a fella calling himself Matte Stephens and available on Etsy HERE!

He also has a BLOG....

Go, look around and enjoy!!

R U Kidding ME?!

2011-02-07T10:20:00.004-05:00

Until yesterday, I was only vaguely aware of who voiced the characters in the breathlessly anticipated Gnomeo & Juliet. I knew that the drop dead gorgeous Emily Blunt & James McAvoy were the leads and that Elton John was musically involved... But while googling for toys related to the flick (Um, donde esta said toys, Touchstone? ), I was thrilled to see that ridiculously awesome Ashley Jensen is the voice of Nanette! But then I saw the greatest news of all....

My second husband-to-be, Jason Statham, is the voice of Tybalt!!!! Friday can't get here fast enough!!!

ps... my sweet pal, Miki, pointed out in a finely outraged way this weekend that this should have been MY movie! I should have thunk of it, wrote it, voiced it, directed it- and DAMN if she isn't right!! I love her for her faith in my talent (among a slew of other reasons) and I will kick myself daily!

Seriously? Seriously.

2011-02-04T21:42:00.002-05:00

How cute are these????

The crafter described them as such:

"An eco-friendly response to your predatory needs!"

This is a special kind of felting that I don't know how to do but if I did, I would totally make these first! Ridonkulous!

And handmade in Poland... Get them here!

More Icy Goodness!

2011-02-02T19:38:00.002-05:00

Although, it was not the least bit fun walking the dog on the ice rink the sidewalk had become by 7AM but after the mad rush to get her business done had passed and I found my footing- I couldn't help but notice how delightful everything looked in it's icy shell!

My New Crush!

2011-02-01T22:20:00.004-05:00

Some people have crushes on stars, office mates, local baristas but not long ago I was introduced to the Fire King and I can't stop hoping to see more. Google, Etsy, eBay.... I am searching high and low. Afraid to commit. But yesterday, I broke a plate. And it was like a sign. My new (old) Fire King is on the way! It is just the beginning. There is so much more to embrace.

That's right. I have a crush on a vintage dish line. Produced only from 1960-1962. Dainty, feminine pink & red flowers with grey leaves. And somehow, the milk glass, Primrose pattern remind me of my Grandmothers.

I haven't loved a King this much since the Arctic King. And My King, Christopher, of course!

I can't wait until my random "filler" set arrives! And to build my collection from there!!

Icy Loveliness....

2011-01-30T21:28:00.000-05:00

Eli!

2011-01-30T20:56:00.000-05:00

Athea!

2011-01-30T20:37:00.001-05:00

According to Diamond Don...

2011-01-29T20:32:00.002-05:00

Monirae's also has Midget Tossing nights. Sweet Mother of All Nightmares.

As If Home Made Ice Cream isn't Sweet Enough...

2011-01-28T21:16:00.002-05:00

...making it with my niece & nephew requires a salt lick!!

Where's Ripley?!

2011-01-28T14:48:00.001-05:00

The Hamptons, January 2011

Poker, Poop, & Family... OH MY!

2011-01-27T08:16:00.003-05:00

Lordy, Lordy.... With the Poker Party in Nannyland behind me (thousands upon thousands of bucks, months of planning, 100+ a-holes in attendance and a giant pain in my ass) and the explosive poop Ripley added to that day (in her crate, no less).... I could head to the hills of Central New York to see my fam!! My Bro and his crew had come to town and

mad, jammy happiness ensued!!!

Happy Family

January 2011

Whatchu Talkin' About, Birdie?!

2011-01-19T22:12:00.001-05:00

And How!

2011-01-19T21:53:00.003-05:00

Police: Philadelphia Man

Shoots Friend For Eating His Cake

article here.... like you should even bother- the title alone is priceless!

The Return of Random Goodies!

2011-01-19T20:59:00.004-05:00

Random Goodies... Now with TITLES!

Poser

Snowmes

The Joyful Run

White on White

ADORBS!

Fakers.

2011-01-18T01:52:00.003-05:00

Children who wake me up to tell about fake illness so that they can lay down a defense for the morning's continued fake illness that keeps them home from school should fear being punched in the head.

I applaud the effort just not at 1:53AM.

(cOugH. COuGh. TreaTS wIlL HeLP. lOvE, rIpLey)

I Want It.

2011-01-16T21:44:00.002-05:00

I have been on the hunt for a small bathtub to serve bathtub gin from for Nannyland's annual poker party. This year's theme? Speakeasy!

I found one on ebay- but it would cost several hundred beans to get it here by Friday from Colorado. I think I may go with the American Girl bathtub set...

More importantly- look what else I found... A bathtub shaped like a high heeled shoe!

Yes, puhleaze!

Me & My Bro!

2011-01-16T20:36:00.008-05:00

When we were in high school, my brother and I wanted to get pictures of us taken for our Ma & Pa as a Christmas gift. We thought it would be fun to recreate a pic from when we were little. In hindsight, it was a good idea though we should have made it more clear to the Sears photographer who thought we were a COUPLE couple. She kept trying to make us sit closer together... AWKWARD! We were straddling a bench to be in the right position. When we finally clarified our SIBLING-ship, well, it just got awkward-er. After hearing of this website that publishes recreated childhood photos- I implored my Mom to find them both. The younger version lives in her hutch so that was easy but we didn't go with the same pose as high school students (as you can imagine our facial expressions of sheer awkwardness- no brother & sister should straddle something so closely) so finding that one will take some digging! In the meantime-

Wanna see other folks in recreated photos? Go HERE!

Wanna see me & my adorbs, Bro?

In keeping with my sibling theme- I found my diary from 1982 when last I was at the 'rents. Actually, I have known of its location for some time but uninspired with the contents of it, I have never brought it home. Apparently, I did a lot of experimenting. Not the good, dirty kind but the kind that involved inviting various friends to partake in the mixing of random ingredients and hoping we didn't blow up. (I don't understand it either.) And I was just about to abandon it as a lost cause when I flipped to this page... That is not my handwriting so I can only assume that Jeff took the time to write me a note on his birthday. Turns out- he's right!

..though I hope his spelling is better now!

Crabby Lady!

2011-01-14T17:41:00.003-05:00

The delicious Michelle Williams Carroll took pics of our Since You Been Gone video shoot. I added some effects and share with you... my favorites!

While Maddy Mann ran downstairs to freshen up her whale lipstick- the rest of us played

Under The Sea games!

Want to learn more about Maddy Mann's mission?

www.maddymann.com

A recent FB convo with Jenna = COMEDY GOLD!

2011-01-13T22:02:00.001-05:00

Can you find the nugget?? :)
Jenna Ricker Dammit, I didn't move. I've never felt like I fit my sign, and no I find it doesn't matter because it's been a load of crap-a-do for thousands of years. Kinda fantastic. What will Maja say now, Jenn??
10 minutes ago ·
Jenn Wehrung Maybe she will make me order her another pair of boots online despite her lack of credit cards? What sign is that? :)
9 minutes ago ·
Jenna Ricker That's the sign of more time here than back home and still soakin' chicken for four days in lime juice. AKA, Pisces. (Just kidding all Pisces. Mostly kidding.)
7 minutes ago ·
Jenn Wehrung MMMM, limey chicken! Wait- I think I married one of those! HAHAHAHAHA!
5 minutes ago ·
Jenna Ricker Brilliant!
3 minutes ago ·
Jenn Wehrung ‎:) Are you taking Jay (& Elliott) to the aeropuerto on Saturday? And if yes, will the van make that easier? It is still here but I will shovel it out for you!

YAHOOOO!

2011-01-13T21:03:00.000-05:00

Gnome-alicious!!

2011-01-13T20:59:00.002-05:00

1st Ave & 85th St, NYC

My New 6 Month Old!!!

2011-01-07T20:13:00.005-05:00

For those who don't know, I love rhinos. I have loved them for a very long time. I have quite an extensive collection of rhino things thanks to the many, many, many rhino treats I have received since purchasing my very first rhino in Boston with Jason in 1996. I have a glass rhino from Vienna, a hand puppet rhino from the Czech Republic, a stuffed one from the London Zoo, a stone one from Mexico... I have vintage rhinos and plastic rhinos and several Beanie Baby rhinos! And now, A REAL RHINO!!!

I decided to "adopt" a rhino from The Sheldrick Wildlife Trust. The Trust is located in Kenya and its' main focus is the conservation of endangered black rhinos and African elephants! Since adopting my sweet little girl, Solio, I have received monthly emails and pictures and keepers updates from the Trust. I can't wait to meet her in person! She is just the cutest thing! (Obvs, Ripley is cuter!) She has a blind rhino friend called Maxwell who she loves. And she is very brave... The following is from my latest email-

Please find attached a recent photograph of Solio who has completely tamed down, and is now rather like a large lap dog! She is certainly a far cry from the boisterous rocket that arrived, ready to flatten anyone in her path.

She impressed her Keepers by seeing off a lion who approached her and her Keepers out in the bush one day! Solio instantly charged at the lion, and since lions are not used to being charged, the intruder was put to flight!

Clearly, THAT'S my girl! I have decided that for my 40th birthday (in 15 years, of course) I will go on Safari! I have always wanted to go to Africa and now I have a 400+ pound reason to

make it happen!!

SOLIO!

Deep Thoughts with Jenn & Ripley...

2011-01-06T22:02:00.003-05:00

"...all the other dogs are calling my name,"

thought Woof...

In Need of a Giggle?

2011-01-05T20:26:00.003-05:00

Call on Hyperbole and A Half

And laugh, chuckle, guffaw!

It's my new favorite treat!

She says funny things!

She draws funny cartoons!

She's quirky!

LOVE!!

The Dog ones make me laugh a lot....

But I also like Sneaky Hate Spiral.

Oh, the goodness!

HI-LARIOUS!!!

2011-01-04T21:32:00.000-05:00

This Commercial Makes Me Uncomfortable.

2011-01-03T13:23:00.000-05:00

Yep, I said it. Uncomfortable. Maybe it is the weird "the potato also has cancer" whispering. Maybe it is the lady in the Western get up. Maybe it is the poor kid who is being quizzed about clucking potatoes. But mainly, it is the whispering. Does it make you feel a little, well, dirty?

Sunday Night Movie

2011-01-02T21:56:00.001-05:00

So, I am sitting around- eating a batch of homemade ice cream made at home with a recipe I just made up (I am calling it Cocoa Creme Fraiche)- watching the remake of The Longest Yard. I saw it in South Hampton at the theatre when it was released in 2005 with the boys. Jay was 9, Nick was 12 and his pal, Teddy was 11. For the record, the flick is rated PG13. Whatevs.

At one point- I recall having to explain the effects of estrogen, homosexual prison sex and the two point conversion rule... pretty much at the same time if I recall correctly! However, it was this scene that required the movie's most awkward explanation because of my audible gasp of, how shall I say, appreciation of these fellas....

ps... you may notice this clip is from a Spanish language showing of the pelicula. It was the only one I could find and it takes nothing away from the visual. Sooo, de nada.

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T22:01:00.001-05:00

SnowDog on The Patio!

2010-12-30T10:26:00.002-05:00

Hershey & Ripley- Snowdogs!

2010-12-28T21:59:00.007-05:00

mAn, My mAma iS beHinD.

2010-12-28T21:41:00.003-05:00

sHe wAS rEalLy sIck. iT wAs BOOOrIng. SleEpin' & CoUghIn'. TheN we WeNt To NoNa'S.

UnCLe HerSheY lIvEs tHerE.

We HAd tO BrInG bIScUit to NonA's. AnNOyING.

BuCkY iS DOn dOn'S fRiEnd. He DoeSN't sAy muCH.

ChRisTmaS iS wEirD*.

(*in my defense, or in Christmas's defense really- my Ma & Pa got me this fine get up in case I had to clean the recently revealed upstairs apartment. It is what made me sick, I think. Well, helped. And it was BOOORING being ill the whole week leading up to Christmas. And also bronchially challenging.)

Random Goodies!

2010-12-19T11:26:00.003-05:00

When you order stuff from Perpetual Kid- you feel like one when you open the package!

My Gnome Has Lost His Head!!

(he has since been fixed!)

How many birdies can you count? They emptied the feeder in under three hours...

Perpetual Kid had ice cube trays that made this happen!! Magical!

And an oldie but a goodie of me & my bro!

LOVE!

2010-12-16T20:12:00.000-05:00

OMG! OMG! OMG!

2010-12-15T20:36:00.003-05:00

THE KARDASHIANS RELEASED THEIR CHRISTMAS CARD!! FINALLY!!!!

Ripley also wore a white, skin tight dress with a boob area cutout!!! Great minds!!

Someone LOVES The Snow!

2010-12-14T21:10:00.002-05:00

But does NOT love the incredible amount of salt on the sidewalk!

I wanna make signs that say,

ATTENTION! Salt does not Replace Shoveling, Lazy!

Neglecting Your Hungarian Friends At Christmastime?

2010-12-13T17:18:00.004-05:00

Well, I can solve that problem for you!! Available to you HERE

You can honor many of your friends' traditionally ethnic meals... Goulash for your Hungarian pals. Mayhap spaghetti & meatballs for your beloved EYE-talians? Know some Polish folks? Get 'em a pierogi! Bratwurst, German buddy? Paczki for your, umm... foreign peeps.

Coming soon*

Shrimp on the Barbie for your Aussie brethren

Stolichnaya for the Ruskies in your life

Moo Goo Gai Pan for the Chinamen you adore

*I made that up.

Snappin' With My Big Girl Cam!

2010-12-13T17:12:00.002-05:00

I HEART Marcel- shoes or no!

2010-12-12T11:45:00.000-05:00

My New Favorite Australian.

2010-12-08T22:18:00.004-05:00

After getting the book not that you asked by Steve Almond from my girl, Sarah- I was determined to fight her for him. I had to stop reading the book on the subway 'cause I was laughing like a loon. I love when friends give me books I love. Run and buy it. Kindle it. Check it out of your neighborhood library. It is reeeeaaaalllllyyyyy good. I love Steve. I love Sarah.

I also love Jenna. She sent me a link to my new favorite Aussie. As I don't know any Australians- I can actually just call him my very favorite Aussie. This guy is funny, too. And rude. His website is not kid-friendly!! (Or Mom-friendly- if you are my Mom) (a lotta cursing, Mom. You won't like it.)

Jenna sent the link for the Easter piece and the foggot piece- both ridiculous. Then I read the Blockbuster one and the buffed one and almost laughed my computer off my lap. I also immediately clicked on the Magic 8 Ball piece (as I like to let the Magic 8 Ball make as many of my decisions as possible) and I realized my Sis had sent that to me forever ago! So, I really love my Sis, too!!

This post is full of love. You should get in on it by clicking any of the links!! Laugh it up!!

More Things I Like: 4 U & Me!!

2010-12-07T20:19:00.004-05:00

Aren't these ceramics wacky and wonderful?

Like U & Me!

Find 'em HERE!!

6 Degrees of Funny!

2010-12-03T20:11:00.000-05:00

Whoever Felt It, Dealt It!

2010-12-03T19:32:00.003-05:00

I still have plenty of felt, people! And I love the opportunity to felt me something! And since my girl Eunice just had a beautiful baby boy I had to felt it up!!!

It's harder to get 'er done with Ripley. Felt looks like the world's funnest thing to rip up if you are a puppy but hey... a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!!

LOOK WHAT I GOT?!

2010-11-30T21:07:00.002-05:00

and this is the very first picture I took with it!!

I have wanted a digital SLR forEVER and I am so excited to finally have one!

Granted, I don't know how to work it but I will!

We Have Reached A New Low.

2010-11-29T22:06:00.000-05:00

Things I Like: 4 U & Me!!

2010-11-28T21:44:00.003-05:00

Aren't these prints sweet and charming?

Like U & Me!

Find 'em

HERE!

TURKEY TIME!

2010-11-27T17:34:00.003-05:00

Sure, we had a great turkey this year! Plainville Farms, apple stuffed, and one clearly interested puppy!

But this was not the star Turkey... I have lived in Astoria for many moons and every year, I walk past Rose & Joe's Bakery and spy their Turkey Breads in the window! I ALWAYS want one and this year... Thanksgiving dreams came true!!! Sure, it looks more like a dinosaur but hey- it was DELISH!!

delish and HUGE!!

mmmmm, bread!

Everywhere I Looked...

2010-11-26T22:14:00.002-05:00

...there were things to be thankful for!

Booze with the 'rents!

3 Pice Cereal Sets!

(I assume someone was thankful for this before it broke and they threw it streetside!)

Mmmm, PIE!

And while they keep lookin'... I just know I am thankful for so much!

Happy Turkey Day All!!

2010-11-25T22:51:00.001-05:00

You Jack Wagons!!

2010-11-22T19:35:00.000-05:00

Soon- Annie Mosher

2010-11-19T23:13:00.000-05:00

Ohhhh, my Annie makes pretty music. It's noiiice!!!

Happy Birthday, Uncle Hershey!!!

2010-11-19T18:18:00.003-05:00

In honor of your birthday- while you waited patiently (and prettily) for squirrels...

Ripley hunted you up a present! Wanting to be just like her huntin' Uncle!

Hope you like lawn flamingo!! We will have it trussed and waiting!!

xoxoxoxo

we love you!!!

I Heart Brussel Sprouts!!

2010-11-17T19:21:00.004-05:00

This weekend I got me a stalk o' sprouts! And then I cooked 'em. And then we ate 'em.

This is how!

First, I introduced Ripley to the Sprouts Brussel. She was not impressed.

Then, I cut them off said stalk and sliced 'em up! I sauteed them in some olive oil with a lil' salt and pepper! Oh, and while that was happening- I dry roasted some pine nuts!

Finally, I put them in a bowl with the pine nuts and some parmesan shavings and a splash of red wine vinegar!

And then... we ate 'em!!! Delish!

ps... by "we" I mean me & A! Ripley just wanted the cheese!

I Would Shoot The Band, Myself!

2010-11-17T19:12:00.002-05:00

Bristol Palin on 'Dancing with the Stars' angers Wisconsin man Steven Cowan, takes gun to television

(click on the text for the article... if you care!)

RIPLEY IS 1!!! (or 7, if you are counting in human years!)

2010-11-16T20:48:00.005-05:00

On Sunday, I got an email from Ripley's vet (automatically sent, of course) to say Happy Birthday to her and give me some tips on how to handle a one year old dog! I FREAKED! I was in the Hamptons, you see- far, far away from any documentation of Ripley's whelping and I thought her birthday was next week! I called the Vet Hospital (which is open and expensive 24/7) to confirm and they had her birthday down as next month! I knew that was wrong!

Annalee and I decided that the only way to proceed was to have a cupcake (and a photo shoot) immediately! I never say no to a cupcake and it turns out... neither does Ripley! Also turns out- her birthday (or Whelp Day) is TODAY! I had it wrong in my head but I didn't miss it and that is all that matters!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY BEAUTIFUL PUP!!

Where DO Puppies Come From?

2010-11-11T17:28:00.010-05:00

This morning, Ripley and I saw a pregnant lady in the park with her dog.

"Did I come from your belly, Mom?" asked Ripley on our way home. "Oh, Ripley", I replied, "you came from Virginia!" Obviously, she had some questions and so I told her all about

Where Puppies Come From!

I explained that she came from a tiny town called Berryville, Virginia and that I went there to pick her up with her Auntie Anne. And how we met her and snuggled her and then had lunch in the sweet town formed by Benjamin Berry in 1798...

"Fascinating. but... Do all puppies come from Virginia?" she asked. "Oh, Ripley", I chuckled, "puppies come from all sorts of places! You know Charlie- your Burnese Mountain Dog friend? He comes from a Mountain. And Garp- comes from a World that is all according to him!"

I was prepared for this talk- though maybe not so soon (my girl is growing up!)- and had ordered just the thing to help explain! Luckily, I get every catalog known to man or I would have had a much harder time!

See, there's this catalog that has a toy that explains all about where puppies come from and I had ordered the whole set just for this very day! They are faithfully created stuffed dogs (or teaching tools as I like to call them) that come with a native outfit, home and bowl of treats! Just like in real life! Think how much harder it would be to get kids to learn about "different" without those life like dolls and accessories they use! Anyway- as you can see from the triptych below, Ripley quickly learned that her Northern brethren prefer whole fish for dinner whereas the Boston Terrier eats either elongated baked beans or maybe, wieners BUT they get hats!

"Have you ever been to New Found Land, Mom?" asked Ripley. "Oh, Ripley", I admonished. "No one goes there. Hell, I am not even sure where it is."

"But I have been to Mexico and I met some Mexican dogs when I had to throw up road side in Carmelita due to the food poisoning I got BEFORE heading south. Your Uncle Ted shouted, 'NO! PERRO!' at them and I thought he was talking to me!! Oh, how we laughed- when I stopped vomiting. But much like this chihuahua here, we are sure they headed back to their casas wearing sombreros and ready to eat tacos."

"ANYWAY... I have also been to York. York is in England where Auntie Jo & Phoebe live. Though they do not live in a cottage. Nor have I ever seen Jo in Burberry. And I am a little irritated that the best they could come up with treat wise is a bone. Hellooo? Yorkshire Pudding? And Gizmo is a Yorkshire Terrier."

"Gizmo is a dick, Mom." "Oh, Ripley. Englishmen are all dicks- except Pappy Alan."

"And I have been to Paris. Auntie Sarah came with me and was in charge of all things French except the croissants. Which as you can see, our beret wearing poodle friend who lives in an Eiffel Tower model home, eats them, too! We never saw one. Maybe they were on the map, but I quite aggressively threw ours away when Auntie Sarah paid more attention to it than me!"

"Aren't I part poodle, Mama?" inquired my little smarty pantalon. "Indeed you are, Mon Cheri but you still can't have any chocolat!" "Pants in French is singular?" "Yes, Ripley. I googled it."

"What is this one, Mom?" asked Ripley of the final dog. "Ahhh, Ripley." I replied.

"That is some sort of Asian dog called a Sharpei. We can tell because it's house is called something Asian and that outfit is very Geisha-like and it appears to be eating an egg roll or a wonton of some kind."

"These dolls seem a bit UN-PC, Mom. I mean, what's next? An Irish Setter that is drunk with a potato? A German Shepard wearing a Hitler 'stache and eating some schnitzel? A Pit Bull that has a small ghetto and a 40? And don't even get me started on the Cockapoo!"

"Oh, Ripley," I replied. "The world is a complicated place and catalogs like these are above the rules of 'PC'. Besides, the point is Puppies come from all over the place! Now, it's time to get in your house, Mama has to go to work. Work. Mama has to go to WORK."

"Bitch. You're not my real Mom. Cluckin' Virginia. Now get me a treat."

Onslaught

2010-11-10T22:50:00.000-05:00

Warning: Cuteness Factor is OFF THE CHARTS!

2010-11-10T21:19:00.004-05:00

I like baby animals. I mean, seriously? Who doesn't?! I even like when they are being told

what's what ... but mainly, I just think they're cute- they warm my cranky, bitter heart! New York Magazine lead me to the sugar coated, syrup drizzled, cotton candy topped sweetness that is

Zoo Borns!!

Feeling icky? Frustrated? Crankypants? Check it out!

Here is a spoonful to help the suggestion go down!

A tiny turtle waves goodbye after the folks at the Oregon Zoo release him back into the

Columbia River Gorge!!

Seriously? Seriously. I am a sucker for a baby rhino!

This little lovebug makes that face at visitors to Longleat Safari Park- a place I visited once upon a time before he was born. I just wanna smooch him!!

The Pumpple is My Hero!

2010-11-09T13:25:00.002-05:00

This is the Pumpple. It is a cake that has a

PUMPKIN PIE in it's chocolate layer and an APPLE PIE in it's vanilla layer!!

TWO PIES in ONE CAKE?!

Shut the front door!!!!

It is also approximately...

1800 calories a slice!!!

A SLICE!

I wanna road trip to Philly just to get one! It's the turducken of cake!!!

Made by the friggin' geniuses at

Flying Monkey!!

Mushroom!

2010-11-08T15:25:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, Ripley & I met a lovely 3 year old pit mix called, Mushroom! How cute is that?!

I don't like mushrooms- for eating, that is. I know, I know- they are delicious! You lie. I also don't like onions. That being said- I like a dog named Mushroom and I also like to FIND mushrooms! My Bro was hellbent on finding a King Bolete (known to the Eye-talians as Porcini) on any of our walks and would spy a 'shroom and announce, "It must be something!" Good times! Anyway, in honor of Mushroom and mushroomin'.... here are some mushrooms I liked enough to capture! Just not in my mouth!

Though I took these pics purely on the basis of whimsy- I learned that the 'shrooms in the first pic (the colorful ones) are POIsonoUS! They are called Amanitas and even touching them can be hallucinogenic at best, leaving you in need of gastric decontamination or death at worst!

Just a little FYI!

OTRA: Some Random Pretties!

2010-11-06T22:04:00.002-04:00

Things You Never Knew You Wanted: Gifts 4 Hims

2010-11-06T21:15:00.003-04:00

With the holidays just around the corner and a massive explosion of catalogs in my mailbox, I though I could provide you all with some gift ideas! First up.... for the fellas!

This towel looks good coming and going! It's no kilt towel but if your fella knows how to work a tool- for only $22.95 you can get a gift he'll love almost as a Home Depot gift card! Only $22.95

According to the catalog, this tee is all good fun and the makers of it respect the Office of The President- nonetheless, if your fella is like my Dad... he will love sportin' this! You only need to drop $17.95 and several IQ points!

This Black Light UV flashlight will be a hit if your fella is into night hunting or just really wants to be the man to call for eveything from finding pet stains to unclean potties to...

SCORPIONS?!

Only $19.99

And finally, what fella doesn't love a good fart? Get 'em started young on the joy of fart noises! This Plush Gassy Elephant emits not 1, not 2, not even 6 fart sounds but EIGHT different toots all available at the squeeze of a tail!

Don't pull my finger- pull out $24.95 and this baby is all yours!

Got an Extra $2700?

2010-11-03T13:54:00.005-04:00

This delightful little gummy bear lamp is only $1800 and would look lovely in my office!

And the cupcake stool? Well, I would like it with a vanilla cushion as it would go better but maybe they would charge just a little more than the $900 flat fee?!

Thanks so much!!

Happy Halloween!!!

2010-10-31T10:59:00.003-04:00

As everyone should know by now- Ripley is named after the delightful Ellen Ripley of Alien fame! But had Ripley been a boy dog- her name would have been Brody. After the sea sickness prone, Chief Brody of Jaws. Jaws is my favorite movie after all. And I do love me some shark.

So imagine my delight when I found this costume I must have ordered for Eli a LONG time ago! (The BFG Apartment is a treasure trove of stuff) And so- I give you Ripley in her Jaws costume!!

It kinda looks like Ripley is in her EATEN by Jaws costume!

Hope your day is filled with plenty of mini candy bars!

Two Can Anne & I went to IKEA today...

2010-10-30T20:34:00.004-04:00

Orb shaped pots and pans? The better to cook the meatballs in!

Super cute cat toy comes with sardines. Super cute dog toy comes with... wieners?

Hassidic cat?

We didn't buy any of those things. I did get new bowls and treat jars for Ripley.

TCA got crib stuff and picture frames.

And laughs... we both got a LOT of laughs!

Last Minute Costume Ideas!

2010-10-27T19:38:00.003-04:00

Ellen Ripley Essentials: Grey pants, wide suspenders, white tee, man's watch. Bonus Items: Super Soaker–esque fake laser gun, grease smears (space is dirty!), cropped Sigourney 'fro. Make It a Couple Costume: Depends! Does your boyfriend own a bolo tie? If he does, pat yourself on the back and make him go as Paul Reiser of the Future. Not fortunate enough to date a man who owns western wear? Spring for a blond wig from CVS and make him go as Newt.

Thanks, lemondrop.com! Now where do I get those things in puppy sizes?

FOOD Notes From A Broad!

2010-10-26T20:31:00.003-04:00

On Sunday, JR suggested we hit this place her pal, B wanted to keep hush hush for birthday brunch. She had to plead and plead and finally he gave her the address. We gathered up Mark, Hanna & crew and off we went to eat Greek food and celebrate the birth of... well, ME! JR said that Brian said it was the best Greek food ever.

I say... AMEN!!!! OH MY GREEK! This was the best Greek food EVER!!! JR & I didn't bother to wait for M&H to arrive- we took the liberty of ordering fresh, hot potato chips and grilled pita with various spreads. I admit, I told JR I wished M&H had arrived later- so we wouldn't have to share! The tzatziki was outrageous! Fresh herbs and capers, flash fried on top. I seriously almost licked the bowl!! The hummus- insane. The garlic potato dip, with garlic chips- ridiculous. When we everyone was there we added grilled haloumi cheese, grilled octopus (which I tried and LOVED), Greek meatballs stuffed with feta, lobster macaronia, two bottles of delicious Greek white, the freshest most yummiest grilled lamb I have ever had (and I had the gross, privilege once of eating lamb that had been alive earlier in the day which turned out to be delicious). The kids had freshly made ice cream- Abby's was fig made from figs picked from the fig tree on the patio!

Hands down- the BEST thing of the BESTEST Greek meal (even including meals I had in Greece) was the cauliflower risotto. It was a special. Special does not even begin to describe it. They roasted the cauliflower, using the stem to make the stock to make the risotto. Then they flash fried some of the cauliflower to give the dish some texture. They also flash fried the cauliflower leaves for atop the dish and for a bit of kick? Pickled carrot slices.

I cannot wait to return! Mark said it was better than football (which he sweetly gave up to attend brunch) (he DVR'd it but it isn't the same). Abby made up a word to describe it all- "deloshness"! William ate enough pita to fund a small Greek town! And us, ladies? As if the company of two of my dearest, sweetest, most wonderful friends wasn't enough- our bellies were full of goodness, our faces tired from laughing and our afternoon a joy.

Company can (and did) certainly make the meal but DAMN, this was some deloshious food!!! If you are able to get to Whitestone- RUN, RUN to Exo!!! Seriously, go now. And tell me what time you are getting there 'cause I will meet you!

www.exorestaurant.com

Dear Tree, Nice Pic! Love, Apple xo

2010-10-26T11:55:00.000-04:00

You're Welcome! Amen.

2010-10-24T12:25:00.000-04:00

FALL For The Patio!

2010-10-24T11:09:00.001-04:00

We picked this curly beauty up in Oregon and brought it all the way home courtesy

of a travel container built by my bro!

World's Tiniest Peppers finally make an appearance!

Happy Fall, Gnomies!!

2010-10-22T14:40:00.002-04:00

Here's Lookin' At You!

2010-10-19T10:13:00.001-04:00